Rhymes With ...

Quick! Think of two happy words that rhyme with room.
Can't? Neither can I.


Dark, dusty, deserted living room,
Guest-less, you are no more than a tomb.
Absent parties, music, and laughter,
You stand empty like the day after.


To dispel your wintery gloom
With fresh paint and decorations, I will groom
Your tan walls and simple window moulding
With colors exotic and bolding!


Lush fabrics! Bright artwork! Banish the doom!
Treasured objects and heirlooms I will exhume
From basement boxes - statues soon proudly displayed!
Mantles and table tops gorgeously arrayed!


Oh, wait, I forgot, this blush won't bloom
My plans are always grander than the room.
Motivation slipping, vision fading ... I probably blew it.
I just cannot be Martha Stewart.

"You Even Need a License to Catch a Fish, But They Let Any(body) Be a Father."

I just read the recipe for a successful family. It was there in black & white in the classified section of my local newspaper: "A beautiful home, loving attorney, nurturing fulltime mom, and holidays with extended family await your baby." It's so simple! If only I had known!

I've been stumbling through this parenting, family-building thing for a few years now. Sometimes it seems to work; often it's messy and unsatisfying. I mostly figured out the "holidays" and "beautiful home" bits, but there are moments when something is clearly lacking.

An attorney.

A loving attorney. This means that the attorney loves ... the kids? the law? himself? Hard to discern from the brief ad, but strong emotion and a license from the state bar association are obvious prerequisites to parenthood.

I see some clear benefits to this in-house attorney business. Discussions over curfews, bedtimes, responsibilities, and vegetables could be brokered by a professional mediator. It's pure poetry. No more fussing about cluttered rooms, unfinished homework, temper tantrums, or sodden towels. All matters are now handled by the loving attorney. Contracts are devised, ratified, and binding. Breach of contract will result in civil action. Settlements are non-negotiable.

The docket in my house would quickly fill. This would necessitate a loving judge and eventually an empaneled loving jury. Perhaps a loving bailiff and loving court reporter should follow. Of course, not all matters are resolved in the first round, and a loving appellate court is never a bad idea.

Wait a minute!

A proxy already exists! I remember now. My word is law and it's irrevocable.
Cancel the loving attorney, and re-write the ad. "Sporadically clean home, caring yet flawed parents, unvarnished truth about life await ..."

Joaquin Phoenix and I Are Both Retiring From Film ...

Joaquin has made his announcement and now it's time to make mine.

I am officially retiring from the movie industry.

Don't despair, my loyal fans. You'll always have my music videos, books, scandals, screenplays, and recipes to anticipate. I'm not dropping out of the public eye altogether, it's just that I must harness my boundless talent and focus it in areas that amuse me most. Let's not think of this as Good - Bye, but rather as ... until we meet again.

As I have your attention, I would also like to announce the launch of my new fragrance. It's called DELUSION, a senuous blend of sandalwood, lavender, and epoxy. The eau de parfum retails for $150 an ounce, and I can assure you that it will provide you with the immediate allure of a retired movie star and MacArthur award aspirant.

I must further publicize that I have withdrawn my name from consideration in the Food Network's cherry pie bake-off. This should immediately dispel the rumor that I have already accepted the cash prize and a guest spot on the The View. I regret that I cannot appear.

Friends and loyal fans will quickly notice that I have altered my appearance to make myself inconspicuous to the onslaught of paparazzi. No longer will I appear in faded blue jeans. From this point forward, I will favor the dark, un-pre-washed variety. For full anonymity, I will begin to part my hair on the left, not the right. In this manner, I can preserve my identity as a private citizen.

I will also donate my Jiffy Lube preferred customer card to a local charity. With only two additional visits, the recipient will be entitled to a free oil change. The stunning generosity of this is apparent, but I must embrace the adage that reminds: To whom much is given, much is expected.

Please, please, I beg you to accept what you cannot change. Joaquin and I must follow our hearts. The sweet siren of the movie industry can hold no more sway over us. I retire gracefully and completely.

Look for me no further than ... the other side of the camera. I would like to announce that I have reinvented myself as a director!