READ THIS IF YOU ARE SARAH PALIN - 10 Quick Steps to the Presidency

This is a great country.

Anyone can be President.

The path to the White House is simple, simpler than you might think. Boys and girls, follow this guide, and you too might find yourself loaning out the Lincoln bedroom.

Step 1

Have famous ancestors that reach back to our colonial origins. Eschew these deep ancestral roots while simultaneously ignoring your genealogical connection to every other candidate.

Step 2

Be an athlete, of some kind. Play basketball, run marathons, kickbox, whatever.

(n.b. - Moose hunting and competitive eating are not acceptable presidential sports. Not since Teddy Roosevelt and Bill Clinton, respectively.)

Step 3

Go to college. What the heck, go to a couple of colleges. Most U.S. presidents hold several degrees, some of them honorary, from prestigious colleges and universities If you lack the skills and necessary talent to attend famous or competitive institutions, then enroll at a series of small and non-competitive schools. Ultimately, to be president, you should complete a Bachelor's degree by attending fewer than 7 ... no, wait! ... 6 "no name" colleges.

Step 4

Get an advanced degree. Law is a popular choice for U.S. presidents but this is by no means the only option.

Step 5

Ignore Step 4.

Step 6

Replace Step 4 with a brief time in the spotlight as a beauty queen followed by a short career as a t.v. sports reporter.

Step 7

Serve two terms as mayor of your small town (population 7,000). Run for governor of your state (population 685,000) on an (ahem) ethics platform. Serve a fraction of your term. Accept nomination to be vice-presidential candidate of aging war hero candidate. Give highly publicized interviews for which you are woefully under-prepared amply arming your opponents with fodder for your political demise.

Step 8

Develop extremely thin skin. While standing in front of cameras, microphones, and streaming web video complain loudly that the "media" has penetrated your inner circle and mocked you and your family.

Step 9

Blame everyone, anyone ... the media, liberals, Barack Obama, Ted Stevens, John McCain's staff, Katie Couric, Tina Fey, Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report, Vanity Fair, People magazine, Oprah, liberals, elitists, liberals, Ivy League grads, liberals, David Letterman, Vladimir Putin, the Fonz, the cast of High School Musical, liberals, the Good Humor ice cream man, Anderson Cooper, liberals, Canada, France, et. al. ... for your deficient knowledge of geography, history, literature, the U.S. Constitution, and just about anything else that an educated person should know.

Step 10

Resign as governor before your one term in office is served. Step onto the national stage to campaign for President of the United States (population 304,000,000). Garner support by currying favor with single issue voters and criticizing everyone else for your inadequacies (see also Step 9). Remember, the best defense is a good offense!


If you are puzzling over the meaning of n.b. and et. al., congratulations! You have already reached Step 5!

Copyright 2009 Karen Napolitano