Just a tiny warrior battling the dragon of ignorance and modern
day lunacy ...

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Genius of Brad Pitt

Is everything possible in the age of the internet?

Maybe not.

Here are some actual combinations that you won't find on Google:

fried chicken s'mores

sermon induced coma

graceless butterfly

wasabi hemorrhoid cream

chocolate chip tacos

foot odor fetish

wealthy satirist

Of course, the title of this piece represents the most glaring absence, which I have now successfully remedied.

(OK, OK ... for all you locals, I admit that "google-nopes" were originally thunk up by Gene Weingarten. This blog entry is an homage to his enormous talent. Hey, let's Google that one - the enormous talent of Gene Weingarten ...)

Copyright 2009 Karen Napolitano

Sunday, June 28, 2009


... that you wish you could hear :

Los Angeles
Sunday, June 28
7:00 a.m. PT

"A source close the Jackson family has disclosed that South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford sent a large fruit basket accompanied by a handwritten note to the family's Encino compound. Sanford's poignant card expressed his condolences for their loss and his deep gratitude for the unexpected media deflection.

Suffering under recent media scrutiny, Sanford enjoyed a few uninterrupted minutes earlier today to catch up on his e-mails. The South Carolina governor has faced significant criticism for his travels both in and out and back and forth to Argentina.

Sanford maintains that a torn map and faulty sense of direction led him off the Appalachian trail. 'Traditionally, I stay on the straight and narrow,' the governor lamented, 'but before I finished my trail mix and put on a fresh pair of socks, I found myself on a plane for Buenos Aires.' The governor further asserted that he suspected a plot executed by liberal pundits or possibly a member of the Obama administration. 'I had the right map earlier in the year,' Sanford argued 'It was tucked inside my bible.' 'Someone must have switched it' he added emphatically.

A spokesperson for the Obama adminstration acknowledged that documents pertaining to the stimulus package had been sent to Sanford a few months ago but were returned unopened. No maps were included in the dossier. Recent stories about Sanford's trips to Argentina suggest that he accepted an alternate stimulus package.

In a related story, the Jackson family will reportedly send a complimentary CD of Michael's hit PYT to Sanford."

Copyright 2009 Karen Napolitano

Friday, June 26, 2009

"I'll Be There ..."

His was one of the strangest stories in American celebrity. Rocketed to stardom before he was old enough to tackle multiplication, Michael was the sweet kid with the golden voice who morphed into megastar only to sink into isolation, but never obscurity, as a middle-aged adult.

The 70s were turbulent. Watergate hearings droned and Vietnam ignited fiery debates among the adults, but we kids knew the recipe for fun. Close your eyes and conjure up the image of 5 pairs of matching polyester bell-bottoms swinging in flawless rhythm to Michael's sweet falsetto. Through the magic of t.v. we all danced and sang along in our living rooms. Every kid wanted to be Michael - even for a moment - to capture that exuberance and effortless joy.

The 80s carried these same kids into young adulthood and Michael came with us. He sang life's soundtrack for the first MTV generation. We moussed our hair, shortened our pants, and tried to spin. Billie Jean and the Thriller videos went into heavy rotation on the only channel worth watching on cable. Lovingly, we learned the lyrics and copied the dance moves. They were awesome not only for their immediate and absolute entertainment value, but also for the promise of so many more things to come.

And come they did ...

The 90s brought responsibility. With childhood recently passed, first jobs and serious loves dominated the emotional landscape. Michael was still Bad, but maybe we weren't. Grad school, babies, and mortgages replaced the passion for the King of Pop. Yet Michael stayed firmly fixed in Neverland. No one could make him grow up, and the island of lost boys became his peculiar obsession.

In the new millennium, Michael's star power shifted from icon to idiot. He still captured our attention but for the wrong reasons. His disturbing physical appearance and the accusations levied against him were routine tabloid pablum. We lapped it up all the while protesting that we had ever been fans.

Michael Jackson's untimely death seems an inevitable final chapter in a life lived too early in the glaring spotlight and too long away from reality.

Somewhere in a box in my basement is a pair of jeans that I refuse to give away. In 1986, they were perfectly snug, precisely short, and worn lovingly with sparkly socks and low-heeled black loafers. Years from now, my kids will wonder why I hung onto these, but I'll know. A glimpse of this evocative touchstone and "I'll be there ..."

Copyright 2009 by Karen Napolitano

"You and I must make a pact,
We must bring salvation back
Where there is love, I'll be there
I'll reach out my hand to you,
I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name and I'll be there ..."

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Alert the Guards!

The Grammar Empress observes that her subjects are disappearing. No, faithful reader, the Empress does not refer to you or your loyal companion Rex-the-wonder-dog. The missing subjects in question are the ones that formerly appeared in sentences.

Recently, the Empress has received puzzling messages from friends, family, and colleagues.

"Am certain the meeting is at 4:00."

Presumably, the missing subject is "I" commonly paired with the first person present tense of the verb to be. The author must scarcely know what to do with the extra time saved by eliminating the tedious exercise of typing a single letter!

"Have dinner plans and will call later."

Notably, this example provides an imperative to its reader. The subject is you understood. More precisely, this reads, "(You) have dinner plans and will call later." Startled, the Grammar Empress complies with a hasty restaurant reservation.

"Running late, need caffeine, may have flat tire."

This desperate missive could seemingly be tapped out by a trapped victim in dashes and dots on a plumbing pipe. In reality, this author used the antiquated system of paper and pencil to leave a note for the Empress.

The Grammar Empress duly notes the value of expediency in communication in our modern world. Tweeting in Tehran or in solidarity with reformers has already proven effective against a repressive and paranoid Iranian government. Yet, the Grammar Empress laments the loss of any her valued subjects. She encourages the return of I, we, you, they, he, she, it, Stanley, a black lab, the little blue engine, the mulberry bush, burnt toast, and all of the other gorgeous combinations produced by those who are ... well ... literate in English.