Just a tiny warrior battling the dragon of ignorance and modern
day lunacy ...


Saturday, September 27, 2008

Test Your Common Knowledge

As a public service, this blog will provide occasional quizzes to challenge the reader. Please note that the correct "common knowledge" answers are listed at the end of the posting.

Question 1
Zachary Taylor is
a. the kid who delivers your newspaper
b. the twelfth President of the United States
c. a member of the Jonas Brothers Band
d. a really cool and classy name for a boy, and if I ever have a boy, I'm gonna like-totally-name him Zachary Taylor!!!

Question 2
A cougar is
a. probably the mascot for the local high school football team
b. a large solitary, predatory cat, indigenous to the Americas
c. the last car grandaddy drove
d. a well-preserved, 40+ woman with good clothes and hair, who spends an indecent amount of time chatting up the 20-something interns in her office

Question 3
The correct pronunciation of ennui is
a. eee - nu - i
b. aan - wee
c. en - nu - i
d. Wasn't Enus that nephew of Boss Hogg that done give the Duke Boys a peck o' trouble?

Question 4
Complete the following sentence with the correct response.
When Mary cuts the pie, please ask her to save a piece for _____
a. us and me
b. you and me
c. you and I
d. Mebbe it should be "you and me" but that can't be kerect because my mom always yelled when I said, "Me and him wanna watch t.v." so I don't never hardly say me.

Question 5
The word impactful
a. means "having great impact"
b. is not a word
c. can only be used as a word in government publications
d. will be a word by the time you read this

Common Knowledge answers: 1-d; 2-d; 3-b; 4-c; 5-d (n.b. - The quizmaster has already entertained and rejected assertions that "d" is the correct answer for 3. Let's face it, Dukes of Hazzard jokes are just way too damn old to still be relevant.)

Asteroid!

Dig a hole. Line it with concrete. Dig a well. Construct elaborate manual syphon system to pull potable water into concrete bunker. Stock bunker with provisions, hundreds, no thousands of cans of food. Store clothing, blankets, flashlights, batteries, first aid, playing cards, books, gold coins, back issues of Rolling Stone magazine, and toothpaste.

Wait.

The asteroid is coming.

It must be. How do I know? It's logical.

We have completely exhausted the litany of disasters on this planet; therefore, the next threat must be extra-terrestial.

We're poised on the tenterhooks of fear ... tainted milk, meat, candy, toys; antibiotic-resistant bacteria; falling dollar; rising inflation; war; terrorism; hurricanes; tsunamis; airplane safety; poisoned plastic products; global warming ... enough already! What else can go wrong?

Asteroid.

Let's face it. We're overdue. It's been a coupla thousand millenia since we had a good collision from outer space. The planet is overpopulated; food is expensive and limited; natural resources are ravaged; human competition for everything is wickedly fierce; the globe's heating up faster than a drunken frat boy watching the spice channel. The timing is right.

An asteroid would neatly cull the population. Its effects would cool down the planet considerably. The strongest, most well-adapted species would survive and the weaker, endangered ones would not. What emerges after a few thousand years would be a leaner, stronger, cooler planet. Sorta an "extreme makeover" on a planetary scale.

The human survivors would be well adapted to colder climes. Animal life would teem with a fresh explosion new features. Plant life would richly populate every available corner of earth. It would be like a Garden of Eden, but you know, Part 2 The Sequel. After a few more thousand years, some wise guy with a pre-frontal lobe a little bigger than his brothers will figure out how to make pictures of the things most important to him and his extended family. In a few more hundred years ... well, you get the idea. History does have that tendency to ... ahem ... repeat itself.

But, it's all good.

Because somewhere in the distant future, some other future pamphleteer will watch and wait and warn his counterparts to ... dig a hole.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Vampires - You're Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

The wildly popular novel series Twilight will debut its first movie in late November. Obsessed youth with (or without) a pulse are salivating to attend the first midnight showing. In the series, teen vampires, some friendly and some not, go about their teen lives, seeking, suffering, sharing angst, committing horrible acts of murder by cannibalism, falling in love ... you know, the regular stuff.

Vampires have always dwelt among us. Not all may don the black cape, Goth make-up, and pointy-toed boots. Many are beautifully deceptive. They retain the outward appearance of a regular human, but their insidious temperament ruins the lives of their hosts.

Modern day vampires can be divided into three categories:

Houseguests,

Teenagers,

and Adult Children who live with their parents

Cautious individuals should arm themselves against these nefarious parasites.

Of course, the average human has the strongest defense against the first category. Houseguests can only invade with invitation, so the prudent homeowner will not extend an invitation to the vampire-houseguest variety.

Teenagers present a unique defense challenge. The vampire-teenager begins life as an innocent baby. An instinctive desire to protect compels humans to invite the embryonic vampire into the house. Successfully incorporating himself into all aspects of family life, the embryonic vampire will not begin to manifest his terrifying characteristics until puberty. By this point it is too late to eject the creature. The vampire-teenager has successfully identified human weaknesses in his adult host, and will not hesitate to use this advantage. Victims of the vampire-teenager may console themselves by sharing wounds and strategies with other sufferers. Fortunately, vampire-teenagers tire quickly of their hosts and usually leave spontaneously somewhere around the start of the third decade of life.

Many humans experience a brief period of calm after escaping the clutches of the vampire-teen.

Beware of this lull ...

The most dangerous and deadly form of vampire is that of the vampire-adult child who has moved home with his parents. These vampires lack shame and self-motivation. Feigning assistance to the parents, these vampires prey ceaselessly on their aging hosts. The vampire-adult child quickly establishes a successful pattern of sharing meals, mooching cash, driving the old Buick, and draining the hot water tank. All this received in exchange for the occasional effort on trash day and vague promises of cleaning the garage. The elderly host is weak and may feel responsible for the unsuccessful vampire-adult child. Avoid this dangerous trap! Vampire-adult children can drain checking accounts, eat up the equity of a reverse mortgage, and drive a wedge between parents and self-sufficient, authentic human children.

Vampire-adult children are the purest parasites, sucking the fortunes, life, and blood out of the living.

Be vigilant.

Your encounter with the Nosferatu may be as close as the phone call from that college roommate-who-just-happens-to-be-in-town-but-couldn't-get-a-hotel-room-even-though-you-live-in-a-major-city. The next vampire attack could evolve from that sweet toddler gurgling and rolling at your feet. And your life and fortune may be seriously threatened by the following words, "Mom? (tearful hiccup) Is it ok if I crash with you for a while?"

Saturday, September 20, 2008

OBiden or McPalin? You decide.

Introducing the McPalin sandwich!

Here's our "secret" recipe - shhhh ... don't tell!

Take one well-seasoned and tough piece of rawhide. Age for 7 decades before final service.

Add one juicy, slightly overripe tomato. Dress tomato with oily platitudes.

Sandwich rawhide and tomato between stale heels of our daily bread.

Garnish with one slightly wilted U.S. dollar.

Sprinkle on a generous helping of pork, and enjoy!

Cost: nothing - You will receive $300 in federal tax cuts with purchase!

Not in the mood for a sandwich?

Please enjoy our delicious brew - OBiden Ale!

OBiden Ale starts with only the finest ingredients collected from all over the globe.

The rich flavors of Africa mingle with luscious, amber waves of American grain.

A little "luck of the Irish" gives the brew that common-man-I-don't-mind-a-long-commute believable flavor.

The ale is cooked for five successive six year cycles, yet maintains that youthful, inexperienced flavor that says it's fresh from the brewery. OBiden Ale is also available in a non-alcoholic brew.

Cost: To be determined by focus groups staged in major cities and rural hamlets beginning in late September 2008.

Not sure which to choose? Well ... you can't enjoy them together, so you better decide soon.

History of the World - Part 4-year-old

Gentle Reader,

In this heated run-up to the November election, my preschooler presents us with an elegant solution to the great creation vs. evolution debate. Successfully condensing the history of the world down to four key events, his summary offers something for those on both sides of the argument.

"OK. OK. So there were dinosaurs, then cavemen, then the Battle of Gettysburg, and now we have now."

Ardent creationists are thrilled by the nearly simultaneous sequence of dinosaurs and cavemen.

Logical disciples of Darwin recognize that a sequence, however slight, exists.

Mention of the Battle of Gettysburg appeals to the patriot on both sides of the aisle.

And, of course, we have now. In this now, anything can happen.

God's will is known only to Him, and we can pray for strength to submit to His plan for the world.

or

Man is capable of self-determination, and grassroots organization coupled with a strong message will shape the destiny of the nation.

It's the possibility that makes it interesting. Anything can happen and usually does.

Stay tuned.