The wildly popular novel series Twilight will debut its first movie in late November. Obsessed youth with (or without) a pulse are salivating to attend the first midnight showing. In the series, teen vampires, some friendly and some not, go about their teen lives, seeking, suffering, sharing angst, committing horrible acts of murder by cannibalism, falling in love ... you know, the regular stuff.
Vampires have always dwelt among us. Not all may don the black cape, Goth make-up, and pointy-toed boots. Many are beautifully deceptive. They retain the outward appearance of a regular human, but their insidious temperament ruins the lives of their hosts.
Modern day vampires can be divided into three categories:
Houseguests,
Teenagers,
and Adult Children who live with their parents
Cautious individuals should arm themselves against these nefarious parasites.
Of course, the average human has the strongest defense against the first category. Houseguests can only invade with invitation, so the prudent homeowner will not extend an invitation to the vampire-houseguest variety.
Teenagers present a unique defense challenge. The vampire-teenager begins life as an innocent baby. An instinctive desire to protect compels humans to invite the embryonic vampire into the house. Successfully incorporating himself into all aspects of family life, the embryonic vampire will not begin to manifest his terrifying characteristics until puberty. By this point it is too late to eject the creature. The vampire-teenager has successfully identified human weaknesses in his adult host, and will not hesitate to use this advantage. Victims of the vampire-teenager may console themselves by sharing wounds and strategies with other sufferers. Fortunately, vampire-teenagers tire quickly of their hosts and usually leave spontaneously somewhere around the start of the third decade of life.
Many humans experience a brief period of calm after escaping the clutches of the vampire-teen.
Beware of this lull ...
The most dangerous and deadly form of vampire is that of the vampire-adult child who has moved home with his parents. These vampires lack shame and self-motivation. Feigning assistance to the parents, these vampires prey ceaselessly on their aging hosts. The vampire-adult child quickly establishes a successful pattern of sharing meals, mooching cash, driving the old Buick, and draining the hot water tank. All this received in exchange for the occasional effort on trash day and vague promises of cleaning the garage. The elderly host is weak and may feel responsible for the unsuccessful vampire-adult child. Avoid this dangerous trap! Vampire-adult children can drain checking accounts, eat up the equity of a reverse mortgage, and drive a wedge between parents and self-sufficient, authentic human children.
Vampire-adult children are the purest parasites, sucking the fortunes, life, and blood out of the living.
Be vigilant.
Your encounter with the Nosferatu may be as close as the phone call from that college roommate-who-just-happens-to-be-in-town-but-couldn't-get-a-hotel-room-even-though-you-live-in-a-major-city. The next vampire attack could evolve from that sweet toddler gurgling and rolling at your feet. And your life and fortune may be seriously threatened by the following words, "Mom? (tearful hiccup) Is it ok if I crash with you for a while?"
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