Asteroid!

Dig a hole. Line it with concrete. Dig a well. Construct elaborate manual syphon system to pull potable water into concrete bunker. Stock bunker with provisions, hundreds, no thousands of cans of food. Store clothing, blankets, flashlights, batteries, first aid, playing cards, books, gold coins, back issues of Rolling Stone magazine, and toothpaste.

Wait.

The asteroid is coming.

It must be. How do I know? It's logical.

We have completely exhausted the litany of disasters on this planet; therefore, the next threat must be extra-terrestial.

We're poised on the tenterhooks of fear ... tainted milk, meat, candy, toys; antibiotic-resistant bacteria; falling dollar; rising inflation; war; terrorism; hurricanes; tsunamis; airplane safety; poisoned plastic products; global warming ... enough already! What else can go wrong?

Asteroid.

Let's face it. We're overdue. It's been a coupla thousand millenia since we had a good collision from outer space. The planet is overpopulated; food is expensive and limited; natural resources are ravaged; human competition for everything is wickedly fierce; the globe's heating up faster than a drunken frat boy watching the spice channel. The timing is right.

An asteroid would neatly cull the population. Its effects would cool down the planet considerably. The strongest, most well-adapted species would survive and the weaker, endangered ones would not. What emerges after a few thousand years would be a leaner, stronger, cooler planet. Sorta an "extreme makeover" on a planetary scale.

The human survivors would be well adapted to colder climes. Animal life would teem with a fresh explosion new features. Plant life would richly populate every available corner of earth. It would be like a Garden of Eden, but you know, Part 2 The Sequel. After a few more thousand years, some wise guy with a pre-frontal lobe a little bigger than his brothers will figure out how to make pictures of the things most important to him and his extended family. In a few more hundred years ... well, you get the idea. History does have that tendency to ... ahem ... repeat itself.

But, it's all good.

Because somewhere in the distant future, some other future pamphleteer will watch and wait and warn his counterparts to ... dig a hole.