60 crazy, smothering, blanketing, powdery inches of snow fell in Maryland during the past six days. An unprecedented weather event like this can only have one explanation ... Obama.
President Barack Obama, that is.
His catalog of sins is grave. Surely, the snow is punishment for our state's proximity to his great wickedness.
A review of his transgressions quickly reveals the path to our current woes.
Healthcare for all? This is sinful insanity. Humans thrive on competition for resources, especially in life or death situations! What cruel ignorance would eliminate this necessary competition? No nation should afford its citizens the luxury of walking into a hospital to receive care. Work for this right! Work will make us strong!
Bailing out banks? This is yet more hubris and willful malevolence. When banks fail, we all win! Study our nation's history! The benefits of the crash of 1929 are undeniable. Americans enjoyed the thrill of competition as they waited in long lines for money, work, or food. We were a deliciously thinner nation then! In a modern context, only the strongest banks will survive, and the tidy consolidation that follows will benefit all. Every red-blooded American should be grateful for the chance to be a customer of a single massive mega-bank! Obama is a monster to deny us this birthright.
Climate policy? Pure evil. Clearly this massive snowfall is evidence that global warming is a hoax. If it is not immediately warmer in my own backyard, how can global warming be real? "Stuff and nonsense," said Alice loudly in response to reports that the planet's temperature is on the rise. "More beach front property for everyone!"
Bi-partisan legislation? Perhaps Obama's greatest error ... His vision that Americans could work together for a common good, could make budgetary and policy decisions that would benefit the greatest number of citizens, this is unadulterated folly. Quite obviously, he is a stupid and confused Washington outsider. A hasty examination of history and precedent demonstrates that a legislator only works to advance his individual cause and to retain his seat. And, of course, the party out of power has a moral responsibility to create obstructions, to erect obstacles, to preach against change, and most naturally, to demonize the party in power.
Well, in the words of a once and former king, "mission accomplished." The heavens have heard the cry of a demon in our midst, and they have seen to open up with a wrathful vengeance. We are blanketed, smothered, drowning in snow, and, like everything else these days, it's Obama's fault.
Copyright 2010 Karen Napolitano
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Blogger defined
Dear Gentle Readers,
My long absence can only be explained by my strange journey into the blog-o-sphere. I stepped off my page last August for a glimpse into the blogger world only to find myself deeply down the rabbit hole.
My peculiar odyssey took me to exotic lands where I perused postings in bizarre languages. I viewed pictures from family weddings, baptisms, circumcisions, Thanksgiving, Diwali, new year, first days at school, madrassa, ecole, etc.
This digital global journey led me to a singular conclusion. All blogs fall into one of six categories: political, medical, cultural, sexual, familial, or Christian.
Disprove this axiom? You cannot.
Allow me to explain.
Political – This blogger knows just enough about his/her topic to write with persuasive authority – the budget, the environment, healthcare reform, how rotten Obama is, how great Obama is, Ted Kennedy’s legacy, Sarah Palin’s future, and so on. A modicum of research, usually culled from another like-minded blogger’s page, supports the author’s argument. Examples: “In 2050, the island of Manhattan will be under water due to global warming.” “If elected, Sarah Palin will sign an executive order reversing the power of the death panels.” “Plastic water bottles will cause your sons to grow breasts.”
They all sound so plausible.
Added bonus: No fact checking, hard science, or real data necessary to be a political blogger. Passionate opinions are the sole requirement for this category.
Medical – This blogger struggles with either personal illness or the illness of a loved one. Each entry is an excruciating window into agony that most people pray to avoid. Followers fall into one of two categories: genuine supporters who are rooting for the blogger’s cause; rubber-necking creeps who only read along as a sort of talisman against similar misfortune.
Added bonus: Anecdotal medical advice that can be preached as gospel. Example: “My son has gynecomastia, a rare condition where young boys grow breasts as a result of drinking water from plastic bottles.”
Cultural – This is the category for Twilight fans, Lady Gaga lovers, Amy Winehouse haters, SNL watchers, book readers, movie buffs, sports junkies, Lost fanatics, Prada owners, pet lovers, foodies, home décor mavens, gardeners, mythology buffs, Freudian analysts, alien abduction theorists, stained glass slumpers, vegans, stoners, gun enthusiasts, calligraphy artists, musicians … well, you get the idea. Pretty much anything that humans can make, purchase, watch, or enthuse over passes as cultural reference.
Added bonus: Occasionally interesting details about why the blogger’s particular passion is “the best!”
Sexual - Really? Do you think I’m going to explain this?
Added bonus: They’re free.
Familial – Formerly the domain of letters and photographs exchanged among actual family members, this category is now available to anyone in the known universe. Enthusiastic mommies and daddies post, praise, and proselytize about their wretched offspring, who are usually too young to realize that their 15 minutes are recklessly spent by their unwitting (or is it witless?) parents. Frequently accompanied by pictures of homely children engaged in mundane activities, the postings on these blogs range from insipid to actually nauseating. Examples: “Today it rained so we had a tea party!” “Jack and Joanie play in the sprinkler!”
Added bonus: The FCC is considering a mandatory pop-up warning on these blogs so as not ensnare the casual reader.
Christian – These bloggers (or is it “froggers”?) are on a sincere mission to convert. Daily postings catalog their struggle with Satan and/or cite bible verses as evidence of the deity’s presence in their lives. Christian bloggers run the gamut from gentle Jesus lovers to fire-and-brimstone advocates whose postings will be left unfinished at the moment of rapture. These bloggers can travel down arduous philosophical paths or bask gently with child-like awe at the splendor of the creator. Good stuff … if you’re in the mood.
Added bonus: No unfinished postings … yet.
Copyright 2010 Karen Napolitano
My long absence can only be explained by my strange journey into the blog-o-sphere. I stepped off my page last August for a glimpse into the blogger world only to find myself deeply down the rabbit hole.
My peculiar odyssey took me to exotic lands where I perused postings in bizarre languages. I viewed pictures from family weddings, baptisms, circumcisions, Thanksgiving, Diwali, new year, first days at school, madrassa, ecole, etc.
This digital global journey led me to a singular conclusion. All blogs fall into one of six categories: political, medical, cultural, sexual, familial, or Christian.
Disprove this axiom? You cannot.
Allow me to explain.
Political – This blogger knows just enough about his/her topic to write with persuasive authority – the budget, the environment, healthcare reform, how rotten Obama is, how great Obama is, Ted Kennedy’s legacy, Sarah Palin’s future, and so on. A modicum of research, usually culled from another like-minded blogger’s page, supports the author’s argument. Examples: “In 2050, the island of Manhattan will be under water due to global warming.” “If elected, Sarah Palin will sign an executive order reversing the power of the death panels.” “Plastic water bottles will cause your sons to grow breasts.”
They all sound so plausible.
Added bonus: No fact checking, hard science, or real data necessary to be a political blogger. Passionate opinions are the sole requirement for this category.
Medical – This blogger struggles with either personal illness or the illness of a loved one. Each entry is an excruciating window into agony that most people pray to avoid. Followers fall into one of two categories: genuine supporters who are rooting for the blogger’s cause; rubber-necking creeps who only read along as a sort of talisman against similar misfortune.
Added bonus: Anecdotal medical advice that can be preached as gospel. Example: “My son has gynecomastia, a rare condition where young boys grow breasts as a result of drinking water from plastic bottles.”
Cultural – This is the category for Twilight fans, Lady Gaga lovers, Amy Winehouse haters, SNL watchers, book readers, movie buffs, sports junkies, Lost fanatics, Prada owners, pet lovers, foodies, home décor mavens, gardeners, mythology buffs, Freudian analysts, alien abduction theorists, stained glass slumpers, vegans, stoners, gun enthusiasts, calligraphy artists, musicians … well, you get the idea. Pretty much anything that humans can make, purchase, watch, or enthuse over passes as cultural reference.
Added bonus: Occasionally interesting details about why the blogger’s particular passion is “the best!”
Sexual - Really? Do you think I’m going to explain this?
Added bonus: They’re free.
Familial – Formerly the domain of letters and photographs exchanged among actual family members, this category is now available to anyone in the known universe. Enthusiastic mommies and daddies post, praise, and proselytize about their wretched offspring, who are usually too young to realize that their 15 minutes are recklessly spent by their unwitting (or is it witless?) parents. Frequently accompanied by pictures of homely children engaged in mundane activities, the postings on these blogs range from insipid to actually nauseating. Examples: “Today it rained so we had a tea party!” “Jack and Joanie play in the sprinkler!”
Added bonus: The FCC is considering a mandatory pop-up warning on these blogs so as not ensnare the casual reader.
Christian – These bloggers (or is it “froggers”?) are on a sincere mission to convert. Daily postings catalog their struggle with Satan and/or cite bible verses as evidence of the deity’s presence in their lives. Christian bloggers run the gamut from gentle Jesus lovers to fire-and-brimstone advocates whose postings will be left unfinished at the moment of rapture. These bloggers can travel down arduous philosophical paths or bask gently with child-like awe at the splendor of the creator. Good stuff … if you’re in the mood.
Added bonus: No unfinished postings … yet.
Copyright 2010 Karen Napolitano
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