Blogger defined

Dear Gentle Readers,

My long absence can only be explained by my strange journey into the blog-o-sphere. I stepped off my page last August for a glimpse into the blogger world only to find myself deeply down the rabbit hole.

My peculiar odyssey took me to exotic lands where I perused postings in bizarre languages. I viewed pictures from family weddings, baptisms, circumcisions, Thanksgiving, Diwali, new year, first days at school, madrassa, ecole, etc.

This digital global journey led me to a singular conclusion. All blogs fall into one of six categories: political, medical, cultural, sexual, familial, or Christian.

Disprove this axiom? You cannot.

Allow me to explain.

Political – This blogger knows just enough about his/her topic to write with persuasive authority – the budget, the environment, healthcare reform, how rotten Obama is, how great Obama is, Ted Kennedy’s legacy, Sarah Palin’s future, and so on. A modicum of research, usually culled from another like-minded blogger’s page, supports the author’s argument. Examples: “In 2050, the island of Manhattan will be under water due to global warming.” “If elected, Sarah Palin will sign an executive order reversing the power of the death panels.” “Plastic water bottles will cause your sons to grow breasts.”

They all sound so plausible.

Added bonus: No fact checking, hard science, or real data necessary to be a political blogger. Passionate opinions are the sole requirement for this category.

Medical – This blogger struggles with either personal illness or the illness of a loved one. Each entry is an excruciating window into agony that most people pray to avoid. Followers fall into one of two categories: genuine supporters who are rooting for the blogger’s cause; rubber-necking creeps who only read along as a sort of talisman against similar misfortune.

Added bonus: Anecdotal medical advice that can be preached as gospel. Example: “My son has gynecomastia, a rare condition where young boys grow breasts as a result of drinking water from plastic bottles.”

Cultural – This is the category for Twilight fans, Lady Gaga lovers, Amy Winehouse haters, SNL watchers, book readers, movie buffs, sports junkies, Lost fanatics, Prada owners, pet lovers, foodies, home décor mavens, gardeners, mythology buffs, Freudian analysts, alien abduction theorists, stained glass slumpers, vegans, stoners, gun enthusiasts, calligraphy artists, musicians … well, you get the idea. Pretty much anything that humans can make, purchase, watch, or enthuse over passes as cultural reference.

Added bonus: Occasionally interesting details about why the blogger’s particular passion is “the best!”

Sexual - Really? Do you think I’m going to explain this?

Added bonus: They’re free.

Familial – Formerly the domain of letters and photographs exchanged among actual family members, this category is now available to anyone in the known universe. Enthusiastic mommies and daddies post, praise, and proselytize about their wretched offspring, who are usually too young to realize that their 15 minutes are recklessly spent by their unwitting (or is it witless?) parents. Frequently accompanied by pictures of homely children engaged in mundane activities, the postings on these blogs range from insipid to actually nauseating. Examples: “Today it rained so we had a tea party!” “Jack and Joanie play in the sprinkler!”

Added bonus: The FCC is considering a mandatory pop-up warning on these blogs so as not ensnare the casual reader.

Christian – These bloggers (or is it “froggers”?) are on a sincere mission to convert. Daily postings catalog their struggle with Satan and/or cite bible verses as evidence of the deity’s presence in their lives. Christian bloggers run the gamut from gentle Jesus lovers to fire-and-brimstone advocates whose postings will be left unfinished at the moment of rapture. These bloggers can travel down arduous philosophical paths or bask gently with child-like awe at the splendor of the creator. Good stuff … if you’re in the mood.

Added bonus: No unfinished postings … yet.

Copyright 2010 Karen Napolitano