Help! My Mall is Disappearing!

I'm not much of a shopper. In fact, I sorta hate it. Most of my holiday or birthday shopping is accomplished online, and only the most dire, personal needs will force me into the local mall. Obviously, I don't visit enough because when I went yesterday, the mall was gone. More precisely, the buildings were still there. Same brightly colored entrances, same neatly groomed exterior landscaping, but the interior was populated by changelings. Stepping inside, I felt like Alice through the Looking Glass. It still looked like the mall, but ... it was like the anti-mall. Gone were the familiar signs above Foot Locker, Bath and Bodyworks, the Disney Store, Bailey, Banks, and Biddle, and others. Mysterious names jumped out at me. What happened? Where were the national chain, name brand stores?

Passing a once familiar spot, I was riveted by the display. Crammed into every corner were large volumes of merchandise. Every square inch of what was once the Bombay Company was filled with heavily shellacked, sleek, "international" furniture. Blinding reflective surfaces bounced light around the space. The front display boasted enormous, ceramic, cream and gilt water fountains of nudes that would have made a pimp blush. Where was the Bombay Company? Didn't I buy a lamp here once? OK. OK. Maybe it was 15 years ago, but I still have the lamp. Wasn't my purchase enough to keep them in business? Hey, I'm back ... maybe I'll buy a mirror this time. Hello? Anyone?

Considering the other shopping options around me, I felt doomed. Glumly I shuffled along the unfamiliar landscape. Other shoppers appeared merry. Bags rustled. Credit cards were swiped. Smiling customers gloated over purchases. I swam solo through the sea of weekend consumers like a trout making its way upstream. Attempting to reorient myself, I focused more consciously on the store names. Something about them seemed slightly, vaguely, nearly familiar. I paused in front of Magic Health Plus! (exclamation point obviously an official part of the name). World Wide Gifts? International Furniture and Luggage? Take a Journeys? DTLR? An epiphany flashed - The store names read like SPAM SUBJECT LINES!

Clever manufacturers have eliminated the glossy corporate American-themed middle man and are shilling directly to the consumer!

Maybe this is a good thing. The mirrors at International Furniture and Gifts are cheaper than the ones sold by the Bombay Company. World Wide Gifts and Luggage sells ... you guessed it - luggage and wallets, and these are cheaper than the pricey leather store it replaced. Magic Health Plus! offers on-site massage and reflexology services, a boon for weary shoppers.

Of course, there might be a downside to all this direct marketing. Faithful patrons parked outside of the once popular Coffee Bean seemed oblivious to its new moniker - The Jumbo Cafe.

As for me, I retreat back to my shell. I wait until the next shopping emergency pushes me into the local shrine to capitalism. The Magic Turbo Aqua Spa and Frying Pan Emporium await!