I just read the recipe for a successful family. It was there in black & white in the classified section of my local newspaper: "A beautiful home, loving attorney, nurturing fulltime mom, and holidays with extended family await your baby." It's so simple! If only I had known!
I've been stumbling through this parenting, family-building thing for a few years now. Sometimes it seems to work; often it's messy and unsatisfying. I mostly figured out the "holidays" and "beautiful home" bits, but there are moments when something is clearly lacking.
An attorney.
A loving attorney. This means that the attorney loves ... the kids? the law? himself? Hard to discern from the brief ad, but strong emotion and a license from the state bar association are obvious prerequisites to parenthood.
I see some clear benefits to this in-house attorney business. Discussions over curfews, bedtimes, responsibilities, and vegetables could be brokered by a professional mediator. It's pure poetry. No more fussing about cluttered rooms, unfinished homework, temper tantrums, or sodden towels. All matters are now handled by the loving attorney. Contracts are devised, ratified, and binding. Breach of contract will result in civil action. Settlements are non-negotiable.
The docket in my house would quickly fill. This would necessitate a loving judge and eventually an empaneled loving jury. Perhaps a loving bailiff and loving court reporter should follow. Of course, not all matters are resolved in the first round, and a loving appellate court is never a bad idea.
Wait a minute!
A proxy already exists! I remember now. My word is law and it's irrevocable.
Cancel the loving attorney, and re-write the ad. "Sporadically clean home, caring yet flawed parents, unvarnished truth about life await ..."
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