Joaquin Phoenix and I Are Both Retiring From Film ...

Joaquin has made his announcement and now it's time to make mine.

I am officially retiring from the movie industry.

Don't despair, my loyal fans. You'll always have my music videos, books, scandals, screenplays, and recipes to anticipate. I'm not dropping out of the public eye altogether, it's just that I must harness my boundless talent and focus it in areas that amuse me most. Let's not think of this as Good - Bye, but rather as ... until we meet again.

As I have your attention, I would also like to announce the launch of my new fragrance. It's called DELUSION, a senuous blend of sandalwood, lavender, and epoxy. The eau de parfum retails for $150 an ounce, and I can assure you that it will provide you with the immediate allure of a retired movie star and MacArthur award aspirant.

I must further publicize that I have withdrawn my name from consideration in the Food Network's cherry pie bake-off. This should immediately dispel the rumor that I have already accepted the cash prize and a guest spot on the The View. I regret that I cannot appear.

Friends and loyal fans will quickly notice that I have altered my appearance to make myself inconspicuous to the onslaught of paparazzi. No longer will I appear in faded blue jeans. From this point forward, I will favor the dark, un-pre-washed variety. For full anonymity, I will begin to part my hair on the left, not the right. In this manner, I can preserve my identity as a private citizen.

I will also donate my Jiffy Lube preferred customer card to a local charity. With only two additional visits, the recipient will be entitled to a free oil change. The stunning generosity of this is apparent, but I must embrace the adage that reminds: To whom much is given, much is expected.

Please, please, I beg you to accept what you cannot change. Joaquin and I must follow our hearts. The sweet siren of the movie industry can hold no more sway over us. I retire gracefully and completely.

Look for me no further than ... the other side of the camera. I would like to announce that I have reinvented myself as a director!